Jewel’s wedding blog

Ty asked me to marry him the day after we shot the video for “I Do”.  It was my birthday, and I was so surprised!!! I wrote “I Do” about me and Ty, of course. We have sort of been teetering on the edge of this for some time- but not really talking about it. I could just feel us both sort of contemplating and weighing everything out. And that’s what I wrote the song about. How dangerous and serious it is. A Game Until Its Played was a line I wrote in a poem several months earlier, and it struck me as a good start to the chorus.  Ty and I have seen failed love, failed marriages, divorced family, broken hearts- all of the risks- all around us our whole lives, and marriage and children were something we take so serious. Tying our lives to one another forever, and what that involves, is no light matter! As beautiful as love is, we have always looked at it like a wild animal- beautiful, but deserving of a healthy respect ‘cause it’s also potentially very dangerous!

So I wrote the song one day as all this was running through my mind and heart, about being on the edge, and wondering if he would jump in!

So, I wrote the song last year, and it became my second single this May.

We shot the video, and headed home where he proposed to me May 23rd. I said yes of course! We then looked at our schedules to see how soon we could get married, and the soonest I even had 3 days off in a row wasn’t ’til august. We decided to elope, because it would have been too short notice to organize all the family and friends scattered around the world. Plus we wanted it to be intimate and private, with no paparazzi, and the only way to really do that was to elope. We knew our family would understand, because they know us so well and know how private we are and how bad we hate organizing parties! Plus I knew our families would just be so happy we finally got married, that they wouldn’t care how we did it!

So, Ty gave me a leather strap with a key on it, instead of a ring. (A diamond would have given us away) and I would wear that on my left hand. It was really fun to have our own little secret that just we knew about. I’d wear it on TV shows- like Nashville star- and folks would ask about it- and I’d just say it was the key to Ty’s heart… Well, august came fast! Even such a small event was a lot of work to organize- especially as a secret!

My old key board player Jason Freese (he’s in Green Day’s band now) and his wife were at my San Diego Brad Paisley show, and he mentioned he was a minister, that he had gotten ordained online - and that’s when Ty and I decided to tell him and his wife about our plans, and have Jason marry us!! So the four of us went to the Bahamas and it was just magical… I can’t even describe it… It was perfect! I loved my dress, I loved the cake, I loved our rings, and I loved the beach and the sunset…. It was absolutely perfect! I walked out to Otis Redding’s song, I’ve Been Loving You Too Long.  We wrote our own vows. Our first dance was Don Williams’ I Believe in You, and then we sat down to eat- by this time it’s dark, and suddenly we hear fire works! As a present, the hotel had a boat just off shore explode 20 min of the most amazing and huge fireworks I have ever seen! And we danced as they exploded! It was like a fairy tale!

It’s going to be so fun to sing I DO at shows- with a whole new meaning! More later, but that’s all for now!

I learned a lesson, this week: No good deed goes unpunished. When I set out to have my basement remodeled, I wanted to do it right. I’m using union workers and I wanted all the permits pulled and inspections made. Now I know why people do things under the table. The inspector (pictured above) came out and was BRUTAL. The guys doing the work had never heard of some of the things he brought up. Couldn’t use gray caulk, it had to be red caulk. The insulation the house had been built with had to be replaced. Fire barriers had to be installed every few feet in the suspended ceiling. And - here’s the kicker - the rest of the 1996-built house has to be brought up to 2006 code before he’ll sign off on the work. Yeah. Things have to be changed all over the house.  He even wants a fresh-air duct run to the water heater. Nodoby knows how to do that.  Water heaters don’t come with intakes. And there’s more.. even in the upstairs bedrooms. It’s going to cost me thousands to change things that were to code just 3 years ago. I could have saved so much money by doing it under the table. Thank you, Novi. Makes me proud to be a taxpayer.

Welcome to my basement sports bar construction blog. Not exactly sure how exciting this is going to be, but I thought it might be fun for you to follow along as it all comes together. Hopefully 1) before football season begins and 2) before the sound of jackhammers makes my birds go nuts.

Might be hard to see, above, but that’s the cove in my basement where the actual bar will be. The half-wall in the front will be the actual bar. The walls behind will hold a mini-kitchen with a sink, stove, dishwasher and refrigerator. As you can see, we left a support pole for Grunwald to practice his stripper routines (see his feather boa pictures in the Brad Paisley feature).

I want to give props to the all-Union construction crew working on this. Man, things are getting done and done right. We only had one delay when Kay refused to let the electrician into the house. That’s him in the picture on the left. They eventually sent someone else.

They just finished cutting up the basement floor to put the plumbing in, so there’s a big pile of rocks and dust all over everything. I’m beat from running all of the cabling for the television screens and sound system. Cabinets are ordered. Now, all I have to do is find black ceiling tiles. As you can see, Pepper is ready to put the bar to use!

Comments welcome. Recommendations, too. I need some ideas on how to decorate this thing when I’m done.

Had a dream that Hillary Scott of Lady Antebellum got into trouble for something. Unusual for me to have a dream like that. Sadly, she didn’t get into trouble with ME. But make a note of it in case it really happens. Then, again, I had a dream where I was at a gas station without any pants on. Of the two, the latter is more likely to come true.

I guess I just attract interesting weddings. Went to see a close friend’s son get married in Orlando, over the Fourth, and the fun started as I was getting ready to leave the hotel for the church. Somehow, the cleaners got some things switched and my suit was bundled with one of Kay’s shirts instead of mine. Yes, that’s me wearing my wife’s shirt in the photo. We didn’t have time to go shop for another shirt, so I pulled on a polo with the suit and went, anyway. Luckily, that’s pretty common in Florida.

The wedding actually started on time and went rather flawlessly. The reception, however, was a whole ‘nuther story. The caterer was someone’s friend who was just starting out and needed the practice. He still needs the practice. The food was ..strange. One of the women sitting at my table named the main course “Lemon Pledge Chicken” because that’s what it tasted like. Nearly everyone left it on their plates.

The wait help for the entire reception consisted of two people. And the food must have been in a truck out back as it took the poor guy about 20 minutes just to get food to everyone at our table. Everything was cold. The person behind the bar gave up quickly and just set everything out for us to help ourselves. By “everything” I mean two giant jugs of Gallo wine and a keg of Bud Light. On the bright side, I didn’t feel compelled to tip anyone.

The wedding cake was homemade. It was a strawberry filled concoction. Ordinarily, that’s fine, but this cake had three layers, each one stacked directly on top of the other one. By the end of dinner, the top had fallen off and the whole thing was seriously listing to starboard.

But the worst part? The bride’s mother managed to forget the groom’s sister when doing up the seating chart. So, instead of sitting at the family table, she was stuck in the back with us. Poor girl was crying. Not sure if it was because they forgot her… or because she had to sit at a table with me. I’m betting it’s the latter.

Finally, take a look at the woman who caught the wedding bouquet:

When she bent over, one of the bridesmaids said, “You can see her underwear.” A guy standing nearby said, “Thank God she’s wearing some.”

I saw the subject line and thought, “Oh, no. Not THAT hoax, again.” Then I looked at the sender. My jaw fell to the floor. (Actual jaw shown at left) The e-mail said:

PLEASE READ THIS - THIS IS FROM MY FRIEND [name withheld] IN MICHIGAN - AND IT REALLY HAPPENED TO HIM - I THINK HIS APPROACH TO GETTING BACK AT CORPORATE AMERICA IS AWESOME! READ AND THEN GO BAKE!!

Yes, it was the 20-year-old Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe chain letter, where someone purports to be getting back at corporate America by forwarding a cookie recipe that normally costs hundreds of dollars. Of course, it’s a hoax. Google “neiman-marcus cookie hoax” and you’ll see what I mean.

But how could this be? This came from a woman I not only work with but respect as a highly intelligent human being. Granted, she was in a sorority at Michigan State. Grabba Kanna Pabsta, I believe. But you can’t hold that against her. (She’s in the photo on the left, though I’m not entirely sure which one is her. That was taken just before her Freshman Chemistry final, which she subsequently slept through)

I had to immediately write her back and chastise her for forwarding that e-mail. She replied with the same thing I’ve heard a hundred times: “Well, I usually check Snopes, but this came from a friend of mine and…” yada-yada-yada. I will never be able to look at her the same way, again. Like Tonya Harding, OJ Simpson and Kwame Kilpatrick ..the lustre’s just gone, man.

So, let this be a lesson to you: 99% of all e-mail forwards are hoaxes. Kelsey Brooke Jones was never really missing, AOL and Windows never invented e-mail tracking software and Neiman-Marcus doesn’t sell cookie recipes.

Now, copy this blog and forward it to all of your friends. Once it reaches a thousand recipients, CBS will send you a check for a zillion dollars. Do it. It really really works!!!

(add your own stories!!)

I thought I’d dig around on the internet and find some of his more memorable (and clean) quotes. If you think of some, feel free to add to the list! And, no, I don’t mean the Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television <G>.

-Doc

PS: By the way, do you know what George Carlin and I have in common? Here’s a hint: Kix Brooks, too. I’ll post the answer in a couple of days.

1. When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

22. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

38. Religion convinced the world that there’s an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there’s 10 things he doesn’t want you to do or else you’ll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He’s all powerful, but he can’t handle money!

39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

Let’s go to the mailbag:

Dear Dr Martini:

You had given a recipe for Chocolate Cherry Cordials that you and Kay made using Godiva Chocolate Liqueur some time ago. I wrote it down and thought that I put it in my drink recipe book and now am unable to find it. Would it be possible for you to let me know what the ingredients were, and the amounts. Keep up the great work on the show! So glad to have you back! Thanks, Brian.

Brian..

We can’t find it right off the bat, so we’re going to spend the afternoon testing out what we think it is. However, that will probably impair my ability to type, so here’s what we’re thinking:

Two parts cherry vodka (we MAY have used black cherry vodka)
One part Godiva Dark Chocolate liqueur
One part Godiva White Chocolate liqueur

Soak some cherries in the vodka overnight to marinate them and garnish.

If you beat me to it, let me know if this one works.

If you have a better one, post it! Or even some other martini recipe.

-Doc

It wasn’t exactly the wedding from hell, but by the time it was overwith, the bride was wishing the’d eloped. Which is what we were all telling them to do.

I’m talking about the wedding I went to in Tulsa, recently. Kay’s nephew, Bruce, was getting married to the love of his life, Kara. What made everything difficult was that Kay’s sister is divorced from the groom’s father, who is remarried and has a whole ‘nuther family. I probably don’t even have to tell you the tension that caused. To make matters worse, Kay’s sister lives in a double-wide.. a fact the bride’s family has far too much fun with. Powder keg. I was breaking up fights as soon as I walked in the door of the church.

Next came the reception dinner. Bruce had reserved the banquet room at a Tulsa restaurant for 8pm. Another family had the room before us, but they showed up late for their reservation and refused to leave at 8. And at 8:30. And at 9:00. Finally, the last of them left and the rehearsal party was seated. BUT.. when it came time to order, the waitstaff informed everyone that the kitchen was closing at 10:00, so they’d have to make do with appetizers. As Grunwald said, “I’m sure they’ll remember those mozzarella sticks for the rest of their lives.”

The wedding almost didn’t come off …all because of a cake. It was supposed to have a little fountain underneath the bottom slab of the cake. I don’t know if you call them slabs, but I do. The cake person didn’t bring the proper columns to lift the cake high enough to put the fountain underneath. They weren’t going to fix it, either. Doing so required driving back to their shop which was half an hour away. The wedding was set to begin in 20 minutes. Bruce told the girl, “If there’s not a fountain under that cake when the bride comes in here after the ceremony, then it’s a free cake.” The woman made the round trip to her shop, got the proper columns and got it all put together just as the bride and groom entered the reception hall/basketball court.

Yes, the reception was held in a gym. Luckily, nobody brought a basketball. There was already enough tension between the three families that the introduction of a basketball would have made the Pacers-Pistons brawl seem tame.

There wasn’t supposed to be food at the reception. There wasn’t anything to drink, either. Remember, this is a Baptist wedding: no alcohol. (There was a vending machine in the corner, however, for anyone wanting anything other than the punch). But, back to the food issue: Kay’s sister had bought food and had started cooking for 40 people, figuring everyone would com to her house after the reception for dinner. Then, out of the blue, the bride’s family showed up at the reception with submarine sandwiches. This left Kay’s sister with dinner for 40 and only 8 of us to eat it. If you need a slab of ribs, she still has ten or so left. Let me know and I’ll have them shipped to you.

The photographer was on the clock and running out of time, so the Bruce and Kara had to race through cutting the cake, tossing the boquet (there was no garter toss.. these are Baptists, remember) and pretending to leave on their honeymoon just so they could get the pictures.

Once the reception was over and Bruce’s father and I put away all the tables and chairs (there must have been a basketball game scheduled for later), the bride plopped down in the middle of the floor and said, “You were right. We should have eloped.”

I’m not going to name names, but there were more than a few faithful Baptists begging me to mix them something stronger by the end of the night. I happily obliged.